Sunday, June 27, 2010

on my mind

I had a ton of pictures to show off and a happy, upbeat post ready...but I'm just not feeling it tonight. I have a lot on my mind and I hope that getting it out will help.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sad, blah. I think everything seems worse at night, and last night especially was rough for me and brought out all these negative feelings. I'm worried about his big chemo next Monday and the possibility of him getting sick again. I'm nervous about the scans coming up in a few weeks. I'm scared about the results. If we have to do more chemo, I just don't know how much of an effect so much chemo will have on his little body.

Something that I have struggled with since we got home from the hospital is the reality of all of this. Most days are fairly normal. Yes, he has scars, he has a chemo port, his hair is gone--but he acts normal. He runs and jumps and plays like a normal two year old. He still throws fits and tells me he doesn't want to eat his carrots.

I am VERY thankful that Jackson feels well enough to do these things. But, at the same time, it's deceiving. Because in between all that running, jumping and playing are little taps on my shoulders (or slaps in the face) of reality. A dose of medicine or a higher than normal temperature that has me worried or a playdate we have to turn down because his counts are low.

Every time reality strikes, my stomach just drops. Of course I never forget that he is sick, but sometimes Jackson seems so normal that my thoughts don't revolve around what's taken over his body and our lives.

People ask why this happened. I don't have a clue. It's awful and horrible and I hate it, but I don't have any answers. We are too busy fighting it to question it and I really don't have the time for it. God has a plan and this fits in there somehow.

SO many people have been so kind to us. We appreciate it so much. For those that have continually checked on us, you will never know how much it has meant. I think some people just don't know what to say so they just...don't. But to know that people are thinking about us and PRAYING for us helps so, so much. Sometimes we feel alone and isolated so feeling that support is very helpful.

My heart has just been heavy the past few days. Not only for my family, but so many others. Megan, Sam, Jed, Monkey. Please add them to your prayer lists.

I read a few of my favorite verses earlier and I truly found some peace and comfort in God's word. If you have a favorite verse that speaks to you, please share!

Tomorrow is Round 6. Please pray all goes well!



  1. I am praying for you and your family. What a season to go through. Keep looking to God for the answers, direction, way. From one Lindsey in Texas with a boy named Jackson too, to another. Much love your way :)

  2. Praying for Jackson as he goes Round 6!
    Be Strong and Courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

  3. Isaiah 11:6
    Never underestimate the strength of kid with God on his side.

  4. You are is little Jackson. All of you will get through this..You have so many people pulling for you guys...don't forget the power of prayer and the love that we have for you and your family. Love and hugs..

  5. Hi, I just found your blog through Kellys Korner. I just want you to know that I am praying (and will continue to pray) for your beautiful son, as well as your family.

  6. I just stumbled onto your story via Kellys Korner. I am praying for sweet Jackson and your whole family!!

  7. I had a huge paragraph typed out for you. And it started "I love you, Lindsay". Then I deleted it because I thought you may think it was weird because we don't even know each other. And then I didn't care! So here goes...
    I love you Lindsay! For being such a great protector of your babies, for being so good at expressing your feelings and sharing them with us, because you're everything I would want to be if I were ever in your place.
    You keep me positive!!! How can you do that?!
    Anywho, call me if you EVER need to talk. I'M. NOT. KIDDING.
    Sugar your boys for me <3



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