on my mind

I had a ton of pictures to show off and a happy, upbeat post ready...but I'm just not feeling it tonight. I have a lot on my mind and I hope that getting it out will help.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sad, blah. I think everything seems worse at night, and last night especially was rough for me and brought out all these negative feelings. I'm worried about his big chemo next Monday and the possibility of him getting sick again. I'm nervous about the scans coming up in a few weeks. I'm scared about the results. If we have to do more chemo, I just don't know how much of an effect so much chemo will have on his little body.

Something that I have struggled with since we got home from the hospital is the reality of all of this. Most days are fairly normal. Yes, he has scars, he has a chemo port, his hair is gone--but he acts normal. He runs and jumps and plays like a normal two year old. He still throws fits and tells me he doesn't want to eat his carrots.

I am VERY thankful that Jackson feels well enough to do these things. But, at the same time, it's deceiving. Because in between all that running, jumping and playing are little taps on my shoulders (or slaps in the face) of reality. A dose of medicine or a higher than normal temperature that has me worried or a playdate we have to turn down because his counts are low.

Every time reality strikes, my stomach just drops. Of course I never forget that he is sick, but sometimes Jackson seems so normal that my thoughts don't revolve around what's taken over his body and our lives.

People ask why this happened. I don't have a clue. It's awful and horrible and I hate it, but I don't have any answers. We are too busy fighting it to question it and I really don't have the time for it. God has a plan and this fits in there somehow.

SO many people have been so kind to us. We appreciate it so much. For those that have continually checked on us, you will never know how much it has meant. I think some people just don't know what to say so they just...don't. But to know that people are thinking about us and PRAYING for us helps so, so much. Sometimes we feel alone and isolated so feeling that support is very helpful.

My heart has just been heavy the past few days. Not only for my family, but so many others. Megan, Sam, Jed, Monkey. Please add them to your prayer lists.

I read a few of my favorite verses earlier and I truly found some peace and comfort in God's word. If you have a favorite verse that speaks to you, please share!

Tomorrow is Round 6. Please pray all goes well!