Friday, June 18, 2010

the bee and the beast

Last night my mom and I took the boys to the park.

Jackson loves loves loves the slide. He will climb the stairs, slide, jump off, run back to the stairs...over and over and over.

After some good sliding, next we moved onto the swings. I tried to get him to swing on a big-boy swing, but he wasn't having it. He knows he can go higher in the toddler swing!

B got to swing too and he LOVED it.

We made our way back over to the slide. Jack was mid-slide when he spotted the bee. He DOES NOT like anything that flies--birds, bugs, etc--so he was not happy. Not in full freak out mode, but clearly wanted the bee to get away from him. NOW.

I was just a step away from him so I grabbed him off of the slide. That bee was persistent and it followed us for a minute. I realized it was attracted to the Dr. Pepper I was holding so I threw it away.

I do not like to be separated from my DP. I was not happy!

After losing the bee, Jack and I rode the tire swing just the two of us.


Despite the bee incident, our park outing was an overall success. I was very glad to get the boys some fresh air and play time.

On the way home, I started thinking about that bee (still mad about my DP I guess. ha!). I thought about how I grabbed Jackson to get him away from the bee. I remembered that when he was upset I told him "Mommy's right here, I'm not gonna let it get you".

I'm pretty sure that is a standard Mommy line and I don't think I really thought before I said it--it's just instinct. Mommas will do ANYthing to protect their babies. And we want them to feel safe and secure knowing that their Mommas will take care of them.

But really, how was I going to keep that bee away? I thought about that in the car and realized that I really couldn't promise Jackson that nothing would get him. My logical side knows that nothing I did caused his cancer--but still, as a mother, part of me feels like I have failed. I let something get my baby.

I am a worrier by nature, I have been my whole life. Of course, becoming a mother did not help my worrying any. I could lay awake all.night.long and worry about all the awful things that could happen to my loved ones. Small things, big things, anything and everything--I have worried about it.

Strangely though, I never worried about this particular beast. I never, ever thought I would have a child with cancer.

But I do. He's mine and I will protect him. I will do whatever I can to beat this horrible beast for him and with him.

I know that worrying does not help anything, and I have seriously tried to let go of the habit.

God is in control and I need to let Him do His job.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
Matthew 6:27

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34


  1. Cute pictures! Mothers will do anything to protect their babies. We can't shield them from everything unfortunately but you are doing the best you can. You are an inspiration for others who are or will have to go through this. On a lighter note, I would be upset if I had to throw my DP away too! I have to have the diet version though.

  2. Awwww Poor Jack! I hate anything that flies too so I felt his fear with that dang bee.

    You nailed it my friend. I feel all of that guilt you speak of and I too feel like I have failed my little girl. I hate that you are going through this {more than you will ever know} but I am so very grateful to have someone understand where I stand. XXOO

  3. Oh and those pictures are fantastic and I hope you have hung a few of them in your home! ;-)



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