Saturday, April 30, 2011

One year.

This time a year ago, it was a normal Friday.

Playing at home, visiting Ryan at work, running errands, meeting my mom at Target to browse.

Then home for dinner, baths, more playing and bed.

Normal, right?

Except all I remember is giving Jackson a bath and then laying him down for his after-bath and seeing this...thing.

A lump. A protrusion.

Something that did not belong in my child's body.

Thankfully a friend was already on her way over, so I was able to show someone immediately (literally--minutes after finding it) to see if I was over-reacting.

I'm so glad that she didn't say "I wouldn't worry about it".

Because inside I was already worrying, wondering, praying.

I just knew in that moment that it was something. I had this very visceral reaction to seeing it...I felt nauseous every time I looked at it. Dramatic, yes. But true.

I needed to see and hear someone else's concern. It made me feel justified...that I wasn't freaking out over nothing.

Not that I have done that, ever. (Ha.)

Ryan saw it later that night and agreed we needed to see a doctor asap.

So to Saturday clinic we went early the next morning.

I'm so thankful that God made that lump so obvious to me.

I'm so thankful I followed my instincts instead of telling myself that it was nothing.

I'm so thankful that we had a very sweet doctor that morning that was very proactive and got the ball rolling.

I'm so thankful that a year later I can still hold my child, hear him laugh and listen to him breathe.

It could have all been so very different and I'm very aware of just how blessed we are.

In some ways, this date is more meaningful to me than his diagnosis date. April 30 was the day it all changed, the day that I stopped worrying about the everyday things and started worrying about what was growing in my baby.

The signs that cancer lived here are still evident.

In his fresh, fuzzy duckling head that a year ago was full of thick, unruly hair.

In his scarred body that a year ago was untouched by surgeon's blades.

In his mind that a year ago never worried about having to go back to the hospital.

In my stomach that a year ago didn't drop if he said "Mommy my leg hurts".

No, it's not over.


We still live and breathe. And we are so happy, so thankful.

Today, the boys will bounce in a bouncy house to their heart's content and hunt eggs at a family gathering.

This event was planned today not to commemorate this day that will always be significant to our little family of four, but just as a coincidence.

It's fitting though.

A year ago, I couldn't have imagined all my sweet boy would have to endure and how long the road would be.

And today...I get to watch him just be a kid.



1 comment:

  1. This made me tear up, but I'm so happy you get to have many more years and decades with your baby boy.



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