Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's not over.

Since Jackson has had a couple of sets of clear scans, I get asked alot "When is the party?" or "When can we celebrate?".

Let me be clear: we feel VERY happy and blessed and thankful and elated that Jackson has had not only one set, but two sets of clear scans.

However, we are not yet at the party stage.


Well, because it's not over.

When will it be over?


When he is old enough to miss soccer games or Algebra class for his scans instead of his pre-school gymnastics class, it won't be over.

When he is old enough to drive himself to his scan appointments, it won't be over.

When he has to come home from college for scans, it won't be over.

When his wife gets the call before me about the results, it won't be over.

Get the picture?

Just because cancer is gone NOW, doesn't mean it always will be.

That is the very harsh reality of the disease.


While I would LOVE to plan a party, we just aren't there yet. Maybe as time goes by and we (hopefully, prayerfully) get more clear scans we will feel more in a party mood. But at this point, we are still very aware that things could take a drastic turn in July, or October or January.

We have to be constantly vigilant about Jackson's health. Some of the chemo he received will not have a negative effect on his body for 10 or 15 years. To quote our doctor "Right now we worry about the disease and it coming back. In a few years we starting worrying about what we have done to keep it away."

Jack may not have a tumor anymore, but he has a scar from his groin to his knee.

He may not have a port anymore, but he has three scars from insertion and removal, along with permanent needle marks from numerous port accesses.

We may not go to the hospital every week for chemo anymore, but we go every ninety days for multiple scans...and if they see a single bad cell, our lives are upside down again.

For us, and so many other families fighting childhood cancer, it's just never over. I know some people can't understand that, they can't understand why we "can't move on".

And that's ok. Because you know what?

They may not have experienced what we have, or hurt as deeply as we I can guarantee that they haven't loved and lived as fully as we have either.

We remain happy and thankful for every minute of every day. Even the days that aren't full of unicorns and sunshine. Those are good days too. Because they aren't promised to us.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 8:18



  1. Lindsay, as I sit here reading this post I am crying. I cry for all that has been taken from us because of this monster and all that we have gained by the strength we have found. Next week marks one year for us...ONE YEAR! I can't wrap my head around thing fact at all and yet we have another scan looming two weeks after that. It will never be over for us. It still amazes me how quickly people think we should move on? I only hope they never face the nightmare that we have lived in the past year.

  2. Wow, I LOVE this post, but I am sad that you even have to write it. I can't imagine fearing every three months what scans might show on your baby. You are always in our thoughts and prayers.

  3. Such a great post. I agree that no one can fully understand the fear that grips your heart everytime there is something even slightly abnormal, even a pulled muscle can make your mind start racing and wondering the "what if's." Having cancer is something that you will "never get over" I don't think, it will always loom over you to some degree. At least for me and my family it will. I'm so thankful for the good reports on Jackson and pray he will continue to gain strength and bounce back quickly.

  4. YOU are an amazing young woman, an amazing mother, and an amazing daughter...I'm VERY proud to be your mother and will always love and support you.
    p.s.-pretty good writer too :)

  5. Amen! It's "never over" Philip comes to the end of his 3+ years of chemotherapy...yes, I am thrilled and praise God Philip is here and doing well and our family is SO blessed. But, then it will be monthly CBC checks to see if the cancer is back in his blood...yes, those checks will increase in span over time...but it will never be over for him or for our family.

    Peace be with you, my friend



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