Fair warning, if you did not read or see The Hunger Games, then parts of this post may not make sense.
Go HERE for a quick synopsis.
Tomorrow is scan day.
It's impossible to not be nervous, improbable that I won't want to cry on the drive to Dallas.
For some reason, it seems like forever since the last scans (in January). Granted, we have added two new members to our family and lost a lot of sleep since then, but usually it does not feel like such a long time in between scans.
When I read The Hunger Games, I was struck by the Reaping. How cruel it was to send these children into such a seemingly insurmountable situation as their parents just watched, utterly helpless.
And then to stand by, unable to do anything to make it go away, as their children fight the fight of their lives? Unbearable.
That's where I am.
I feel so helpless.
Helpless as we lay him on the table and watch him drift out of consciousness.
Helpless as we wait in the tiny room with too few chairs and old magazines, trying to distract ourselves as the machines work over him.
Helpless as we sit in front of the doctors, analyzing their body language and looks in their eyes in the moments before they speak, trying to determine if it will be good news or bad news.
Helpless. I thought it would get easier as time goes on and we get more clear scans under our belt (thankful is not a big enough word for what we feel for those clear scans) but it just doesn't. We know our world could be upside down again in a matter of seconds. And we remember all too well what that upside down world feels like.
I used to follow so many fighters like Jackson, through blogs or Facebook. There are a couple that I still do keep up with, either because they are local or I've connected with the moms, but other than that I just can't. It's all too real and too close to home. It's kind of like how you think to yourself "Oh I can't imagine how that feels" but then you realize, yes you sure can imagine. Pretty much a sucker punch.
The Reaping could be an analogy for childhood cancer. So many people have felt unbearable pain and had so many helpless moments as they watched their precious, loved, adored, special child fighting so hard to just LIVE. Unfair doesn't even begin to cover it.
We are so blessed to still be here, to still be fighting. A lot of families are not so lucky. Not a day goes by that I don't look at Jackson and just feel in awe of what he has already accomplished at age 4. Sometimes that happens after he has been in time out for stealing Spiderman from his brother, but it happens nonetheless!
We serve a Mighty God, one that is working on me every day to lean on Him instead of feeling helpless. I am asking you to join us in prayer that Jackson's scans are 100% clear tomorrow!!
And, this guy could use your prayers right now. Such an amazing kid with unshakable faith.
Our day tomorrow looks like this: check in at 8:00, MRI at 9:00, CT at 10:00, clinic visit at 11:00. Then we head to a different part of Dallas for a visit with a pediatric dermatologist to check out Jack's foot.
I'll be back soon with results and some pictures!
Thank you for praying!