Live.

Things are getting more normal around here by the day. I've started working some at my mom's flower shop (Valentine's Day=no longer a holiday for me!), we've had a few playdates, the boys and I have made a few grocery store runs (getting used to the daily dose of germs again) and Jack will start a gymnastics class soon. We are planning to return to church this weekend too--I'm so excited, but a little nervous for the boys. It will be the first time in a LONG time for them to be around more than one other child.

It's wonderful to be normal again.

To be busy again.

To be able to just run into the store with the boys again.

But....it's still scary.

And uncomfortable at times.

I find myself getting anxious in certain situations.

And I have to push myself sometimes. To squash the little voice in my head that says "wouldn't it be nice to stay in this little hole you were forced into?"

At first the isolation was hard. REALLY hard. But then we got used to it, and it became comfortable. The germs were outside and we were inside. Easy.

We were conditioned to be cautious of everything, everyone, every situation.

So. It's scary to get back out there.

I have a word for this year.

Live.

This year, I want to just LIVE.

I want to take my boys to the park. I want to go on girl trips. I want to go to spin class and Zumba. I want to go on dates with my husband. I want to appreciate every minute, every day, every week. I want to speak, act, love and live with purpose.

I don't want to be scared.

All along, people would comment on "how well I was handling it all".

Well. I wasn't.

I am a mother. I am a planner. A do-er. A note taker. A question asker. So I put on all of those hats and just handled the task at hand. Chemo-check. Surgery-check. Chemo again-check. Radiation-check.

I became very good at avoiding any and all emotion. Crying meant accepting. Realizing. Connecting what was going on with what I knew our life to be.

So I just didn't cry. Maybe 5 times since he was diagnosed have I cried.

Now, here in the present, with one set of clean scans underneath Jack's belt....I am accepting. And realizing what has happened and what that means for the future. And connecting our "old" life with our "new" life.

Sometimes I look at his still bald head and I'm momentarily shocked. This is Jackson? My Jackson? What happened to the chubby, curly headed two and a half year old that I had? It's almost as if now that my brain carried me through all of the stuff that I needed to be able to focus on and pay attention to....now it's saying ACCEPT. REALIZE. CONNECT.

Also?

It's saying LIVE.


{A constant reminder.}

We skipped naptime today.

This afternoon, while the biggest and the littlest were napping, Jack and I bundled up and went outside for some snow fun.

We were the only people out on our little cul-de-sac and we had an absolute blast.

I love making memories with my babies.

We colored the snow green.


We had snowballs in hand, ready to go.


We walked alot.


We made snow angels.


Pretty good for a first-timer.


We threw snowballs.


Lots and lots of snowballs.


We found our {bundled up} shadows.


Naptime is overrated anyway.


We came inside and Jack watched SuperWhy and had a banana, a juicebox and some Smarties. Oh to have the life of a three year old!


A very sweet, precious, hilarious little boy is 17 months today.


But he is too busy to look at his Momma.